Growing up, I always knew what I wanted in a man when the time is right, and I want to start dating. See, the problem started at a tender age, watching romantic movies or reading romance novels. Movies and Novels portray a perfect love, and sometimes, it’s a depiction of love before the two people begin dating or are in a relationship. The storyline is the same in all of them, two people meet, they share special moments together and then for some weird reason something is introduced to split them apart for a while. This could be a trauma, dark secret or anything the author comes up with. Finally, they make up after realising their mistake, they (or one of them) go seeking each other, and they lived happily ever after, end of the story. I don’t know if you can see what is wrong in this love storyline. Ok, let me point it out. Uhm, what happens when the two are in a relationship, is it always all lovey-dovey and Rosey or what?
Luckily for me, or should I say bad luck for me. Whatever way you chose to call it, I believe it’s luck that was brutally painful. I made a distinction between love and infatuation after a heartbreak. I realised, ever since I started dating I was always infatuated by the person, not in love with them. Infatuation states you must like the person intensely at a current moment because there is something about them that fascinates you. It could be his/ her smile, money, body or anything you find attractive. Once it’s gone, and you see the real person you are dating before you, you run away and flee. You barely have the patience to understand them holistically and what they stand for. Trust me, it doesn’t work. Here is how I validated if a guy is right for me, don’t laugh, I’ve learned my lesson now, and I hope you do too. If he was book and street smart, intellectual, dreamer, visionary, can hold off a conversation with me and was not bad to look at, lol. I needed to know and see you pushing and striving for success and pursuing your dreams for me to even consider to go out on a date with you. Listen, everyone has a bunch of things they are looking for in a partner and am no different, so don’t judge. But, after my first boyfriend, I realised there is a problem. I lost interest quickly and vice versa. Something was not adding up until my heartbreak.
While I was nursing my bruised heart and trying to get back on my feet and be truly happy. I discovered, ‘Woman, you do not know what love is! ’. All this time you just liked a lot, infatuation. In my healing and time-off everything, I realised what real love is. I read a book titled Relationships, which opened my eyes and changed me for good. I learned that the love we currently know as love isn’t real love. Otherwise, it is a far fetched, unrealistic theory of Romantics, created by the movies, novels and music we have. That view love as perfect with perfect people, who then make each other whole. That is some poppycock ish. However, when you chose to love a person, you love them holistically as a whole. With their dark side and bright side. Please be careful am not promoting people staying in abusive and toxic relationships, leave. But, when you are genuinely in love, you learn to understand each other and your traumas from childhood until to-date. You learn to stop fighting the person in arguments but the problem itself. You learn you can’t heal a person but can be there for them while they improve and go through life struggles together. Most importantly, you soon realise love is a choice that people decide to venture in understanding fully well some of the burdens and goods it comes with. Love is everything we think it is and everything it is not.
I am prompting you to read more books that speak about the theory of Romantics, you will be shocked with your findings and it may make you see love in a whole new different spectrum.
Photo by: James Orr on Unsplash
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